


All Your Life

by haelaofrohan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2017-12-18 03:32:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/875131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haelaofrohan/pseuds/haelaofrohan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean has loved Sam all of his life, but he doesn't tell Sam...until he can't resist anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Your Life

**Author's Note:**

> My first Wincest story--so please, any problems, feel free to let me know.

You were four years old when it first started. Of course, by that time he was already six months old, and it wasn't like you hadn't seen him before, held him before, even taken care of him. But when your father put Sammy in your arms that night and you ran like all of Hell was after you (and maybe it was), that was the moment when it all began. You ran outside into the dark cold night with a fire roaring at your back, terrified, half blinded, but still holding onto him, and you knew that no matter what happened, you would always take care of him.

****

Sometimes it was easy. Like the time you taught him to play basketball on a court near your motel. The surface was cracked and dirty, complete with a rim and no nets, but you didn't care. It was easy when you helped him with his 5th grade school project and he brought it home with an 'A' marked across the top in red and a huge smile on his face. Or when you set off fireworks together that one night, and he hugged you from pure joy. July 4th, 1996. You remember.  
And sometimes it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy explaining to him why Dad could never be home for his birthday. Or Thanksgiving. Or Christmas. It wasn't easy seeing the disappointment on his face every time you had to leave town, and he had to leave the few friends he had managed to make, all over again. It wasn't easy having to tell him that monsters were real, but that the superheroes in his comic books weren't.  
And it wasn't easy trying to feed Sammy when Dad was gone. The first time the money ran out, you had no idea how drum up a false credit card. You tried pickpocketing, but you were caught before you even started. The man you tried to rob hit you once, knocked you over, then told you to go home. So you did what you knew you had to do. You let someone pay to use you. You let him shove you up against the wall and fuck you, run his hands all over you. You closed your eyes and tried not to think. You felt him come inside of you, and when he finally let you up you forced yourself to look nonchalant, casual about what you had just done. You weren't. You felt dirty, guilty, and sick about it, but you brought home a meal for Sam.  
After that, you learned to hustle pool. You paid attention the next time Dad got more credit cards. You swore you would never do that again. But the day came when you had to, and so you did. It happened three times in all, and after that you learned how to win money with both poker and pool. You mastered all of Dad's tricks. You got so good at them that you didn't have to resort to selling yourself again. You didn't want Sammy to find out that you had done it even once. You grew up hard and fast, and you did it because you didn't want Sammy to need to.

****

But Sammy did grow up, and he grew up strong, beautiful, and fiercely independent. You loved him more than you ever had, more than you should. You wanted him to be happy, and when you realized that that meant college for him, it hurt, bad. But you supported him, only to have it hurt worse when Dad told him that if he was going to go, he should stay gone. That night, you asked him one more time to stay. When he said that he couldn't, you understood. But one selfish part of you wanted him to look in your face and see that you loved him, needed him. And wanted him. In ways that you knew you shouldn't, but you couldn't help yourself. You wished he would look over at you, would finally be able to see. But you knew it was best if he didn't, so you turned your head away. The least you could do was let him go, so that he would never bear the burden of having to know.

****

You're not really sure what dragged you back to him, four years later. It wasn't that Dad was missing, at least not entirely. He had been missing before, and you hadn't come for Sam. But this time, it had been too long, You had to see him. Had to be with him, even if just as a brother when you wanted so much more. You knew he loved Jess. You knew he wanted to marry her. And you just wanted one last hunt.  
But that's not how it turned out, was it? Instead, you ended up carrying Sammy out of another fire, away from another loss. You kept him on the road. You told him and told yourself that it was about finding Dad. That it was about finding the demon who killed Mom and Jess. That it was about keeping him occupied, his mind off of Jess. But you knew that was a lie. You knew it was because you just wanted him to be with you instead of back at Stanford.  
So you traveled with Sam, fought with Sam. You almost died after one hunt, but Sam found a way to save you, and you both kept going. And every day, both of you shouldered a heavier burden than the day before. Together you buried your father, and killed Azazel.You tried to help Sam with his visions, even though you didn't understand. All you understood was that it was still your job to protect him, even after all these years.  
And that's why when he went to his knees in the mud in front of you with a knife in his back, something inside you snapped. You didn't care about your own life anymore, because what was it worth without his? You had failed. You had one job, one, and it was to protect Sammy. You failed. You didn't deserve to live. And you couldn't have anyway, with the best half of you gone, dead. So you made a bargain. You sold your soul to Hell in order to bring Sam back to life. You let Sam try to save you because you knew he had to try, but you also knew it wouldn't work. You knew you were damned, but you could handle it because you had done it for him. And he was the last thing on your mind before the hellhounds closed in and you woke up in a place beyond your most horrific dreams.

****

And he was the first thing on your mind when suddenly you were not in Hell anymore, after 40 years of torture. When you woke up in that graveyard and stumbled to the nearest building. When you looked at your body in the mirror, your chest unmarked even though you knew full well it had been torn and shredded countless times over, your worst fear was that Sam had agreed to take your place.  
But he hadn't. What had been too good to be true, had happened. You were back. You had Sam. You were fighting together again. Sometimes you won, sometimes you lost. More often, you lost. Seals were breaking, Lucifer was rising. And you cared about that, you did. It terrified you, and you would have died to stop it. But you were more worried about Sam, because something wasn't right with him. You knew it, and he knew it, but you never expected him to break the final seal. But you couldn't blame him, not really, because you had broken the first one, and his crime was no more than yours. You could forgive him for it. You had to, because you loved him. And there was still a war to fight.  
It seemed like everyone, the angels, the demons, Heaven, Hell, everyone, was conspiring against the two of you. Pitting you against each other. Waiting for both of you to say "Yes" so that they could watch you obliterate each other. So you decided to re-write history, shatter destiny. And Sam was with you every step of the way, until he decided to sacrifice himself. He said "Yes" to Lucifer, beat you bloody and seemed to enjoy it. You wanted to die, lying on the ground, seeing his body, his face, even his beautiful eyes, controlled by the Devil himself. Only suddenly, it wasn't the Devil anymore. It was your Sam. You saw him, for just a moment, and then just like that, he jumped. He was gone.

****

You wanted to die. You wanted to die. You wish you had jumped into the Pit with Sam. That he had snapped your neck like he had Bobby's. Even that Cas had left you broken and bloody, because then at least the pain on the outside would have distracted you from the pain on the inside. But you had promised Sam, so you kept your word. You lived a "normal" life. You tried to forget, tried to be happy with Lisa and Ben. But it never really worked. You knew it, and Lisa and Ben knew it too. And when you first caught a glimpse of your Sam, returned to you beyond all hope, you knew you couldn't keep up that illusion anymore.  
So you don't bother. It was only an illusion to start with. You go back to him without a moment's hesitation. You realize right away that something is wrong, that this Sam isn't really Sam. But this doesn't change things, it just adds another layer, just gives you a goal. When Cas tells you that Sam is without his soul, it shocks you, horrifies you. But somehow, it doesn't seem insurmountable, and you know why.  
It's because you've always given everything for Sam, and you know you will get his soul back for him. And when it does, you're leaving this entire illusion behind. You've pretended for too long. And it's because when you get your Sammy back, the real Sam that you've loved so long, then you end it. 

You tell him. 

You do it, because it's time. You tell him, because you've failed Sammy too many times, you've let him get hurt. You know he's wounded, you know he's hurt. You know he's damaged. So you tell him, because you want to try and fix him. You tell him, and you watch those soft hazel eyes widen with disbelief. You don't breathe. You just wait and let Sammy decide what happens from here. You watch his eyes, and see them smile. You watch his lips, and you see them form two words, words that you recognize, but can't really believe you're seeing. You open your mouth, but you can't say anything else. You shuffle, but you can't move forward. You're frozen.  
He speaks again, louder this time.  
"Come here." he says.  
And then he pulls you close


End file.
